Tips for Navigating Challenging Family Over the Holidays

The holiday season is coming up quickly, and for most people it isn’t all hot drinks and holiday cheer. Many people return home to be with family, start new traditions with a partner’s family, or their own traditions with their new family. What all these experiences have in common are that they involve family. And regardless of the relationship, whether it is a blood family or a chosen family, there is almost certainly difficulties that you will face. Maybe these are difficulties from years of hurt and pain or maybe these are new challenges that cannot be anticipated. Heading into the holidays with tools to manage these relationships can help the holidays run smoothly and you returning from the holiday feeling less like you need a vacation from your vacation.

Here are eight tips for managing challenging family over the holidays (or really anytime):

1. Expect Regression

Ever notice that when you are around family your 14-year-old self comes out, that is called regression. Regression is a psychological defense, a way to cope with stress, where we return to an earlier stage of development (generally temporarily). This allows us to cope with the stress of old family patterns in a familiar way, like we did when we were younger. These coping strategies are not always adaptive since they don’t generally align with our maturity and broader understanding of the world. Keeping in mind that you may regress during the holidays can help you notice these moments and change your response. When we expect regression, it doesn’t take us by surprise, and we are able to manage these challenging feelings and respond in a different way.

2. Acting Out is Common

Sometimes we have such strong emotional responses to family we cannot manage these feelings and rather than express the emotion we act the emotion out. One example of feelings our emotions rather than saying them might be if you hate that your mother never remembers that you became a vegetarian nine years ago, and rather than telling her you cannot eat her cooking, you find that you have a stomachache and simply cannot eat the dinner she slaved over for days (and reminds you about all the hard work it took to prepare). This is your body acting out your emotional experience. Remember that this is common, and this can be remedied by identifying and addressing your emotions. You should not necessarily confront her, but you might bring a vegetarian dish this year so that you know there will be something you can eat. Keep in mind, you may not be the only one acting out. In this example, your mother is too. 

3. Your Mantra for the Holidays is “Not Now”

 Despite our romantic notion that the holidays are a time to work through our difficulties they are actually the opposite. Emotions are high, people are coming in and out, plans are changing and so is the weather. All of that is a recipe to lay-low. Remember, there is always time to work through challenges and address concerns, and this is not the right time. If someone in your family comes up to you to address anything keep this mantra in mind. Ask them if this is something you can table until the holidays are over, rather express to them you want to focus on staying in the present and enjoying the holidays together. 

4. Control What You Can

The only person we can control is ourselves. Keep that in mind, we cannot control others and we cannot control their actions. Let’s repeat it, we can control ourselves. Use this mindset to take control of what you can control. Maybe that means you should have your own car over the holidays rather than sharing the car with your parents, or maybe that means you leave on Saturday instead of Sunday. Just remember, take control of what you can, and let the things that are out of your control go.

5. Be Mindful of Alcohol

Depending on you and your family alcohol can be a big part of celebrating the holidays. Although everyone’s relationship with alcohol is different, drinking in moderation can allow you to manage your emotions, and potentially be less argumentative and aggressive. On the same note, it may be helpful to stay away from family members who have had too much to drink so you don’t get into challenging or overly emotional conversations.

6. Keep Moving

This doesn’t necessarily go on a run, although if that helps you manage your mood, go ahead! This tip is more aimed around creating activities (i.e., play board games, going on a hike) and having experiences together that take away the focus from challenging conversations. This can help the family focus on a goal they can complete together, which leaves less room for arguing and less time to focus on what is challenging about the other person or people. 

7. Practice Kindness and Compassion  

Practicing kindness and compassion towards yourself is an integral part of getting through challenging family relationships during the holidays. Maybe this year you planned to not lecture your youngest brother, but the words came out anyway. That is okay, keep in mind that you are doing the best you can and that is the most important. Be kind to yourself and that self-compassion will in turn help you be kind to others.

8. Breathe

Take a breath. When challenging experiences happen and you feel yourself responding take a deep breath or a bathroom break to gather yourself and your thoughts. Remember who you are, who you were before you walked in the door, and who you want to be when you walk out.

To learn more about how to cope with challenging family relationships and dig deeper into your past and what is impacting your present, book an appointment online or over the phone with Dr. Rebecca Branda, Psy.D. today.